When Saying “Rabbit” Feels Harder Than It Should

- 6  min. read - By MissV.

Understanding the Fear of Using Safe Words in BDSM – And How to Reclaim Your Power. 

I am writing a few blogs on Why Scene’s go Wrong. Let’s talk about something few people admit out loud, but that plays out behind closed doors more often than you think: the fear of using a safe word.

Sounds strange, right? You’d expect the hardest part of a BDSM scene to be the impact of a flogger or the surrender to power… not saying one simple word. But time and time again—both in my years as a professional Dominatrix and as a kink intimacy coach—I’ve seen this hesitation stop people from protecting themselves. Even when they knew it was time.

Let’s break that taboo.

That One Word That Could Change Everything

You're in the middle of a scene. The music, the breath, the tension—it’s all humming beautifully. And yet something doesn’t feel quite right. You start to pull inward. Your chest tightens. Your smile? Fading. But you keep going. You don’t say the word. Why?

Because maybe you’re scared that using your safe word will ruin the mood. Or that your Dominant will be disappointed. Or that you will look like the one who “couldn’t handle it.” Let me tell you this now, straight up: using your safe word is not failure— it’s mastery.

Why Do We Struggle to Use Safe Words?

Here’s what I see most often with my clients and couples:

“I don’t want to ruin the moment.” 
The pressure to perform during a scene is real. But intimacy isn’t a performance. It’s presence. Saying “stop” doesn’t end the magic—it protects it.

 “What if I seem weak?” 
I’ve seen people take cane strokes without flinching, but crumble at the thought of appearing vulnerable. Let me be blunt: it takes more strength to speak up for your truth than to suffer in silence.

“I want to be good. I don’t want to be a burden.” 
If you’ve been conditioned to people-please (hello, perfectionists), then using a safe word might feel like letting someone down. But here’s the thing: boundaries aren’t a burden. They’re a gift—to yourself and your partner.

Adrenaline makes it blurry.
Sometimes you just don’t know yet if you’ve crossed a boundary. The rush is high. You’re turned on and dissociating a bit. This is why conscious in-scene check-ins matter. Because “I’m fine” isn’t always the truth your body is telling.

New to kink? It’s confusing AF.
When you’re still exploring what turns you on, safe words can feel like overkill. But trust me: if you don’t know your full “no” yet, your safe word becomes your flashlight in a very sensual dark room.

From Hesitation to Empowerment

A safe word isn’t just a signal. It’s your shield. Your anchor. And using it? That’s a sacred act of self-respect. When you say “Rabbit” (or whatever word you choose), you’re not breaking the connection—you’re deepening the trust. You’re saying: “I’m here, in this with you. And I’m choosing to be honest rather than silent.” That’s the kind of courage that transforms a scene from a sexy act into something truly conscious and connective.

Tips to Build Confidence Around Safe Words

Pick a word that stands out.
Avoid generic words. Choose something that catches attention. Mine? Rabbit. (Unless I’m at an Alice in Wonderland-themed dungeon, then we have a problem.)

Talk about it beforehand.
Your partner should welcome your boundaries, not just tolerate them. Practice the word during light conversation or foreplay so it becomes embodied, not awkward.

Try using it in low-stakes play.
Not every scene has to be high protocol. Start simple. Roleplay. Laugh a little. Safety doesn’t have to be serious to be sacred.

Reflect afterward.
Every time you use (or almost use) your safe word, take time afterward to talk. What happened? How did it feel? What do you need next time?

Normalize it—especially for couples.
If you play regularly together, treat the safe word as part of the ritual. Like the music you choose or the way you warm up. Make it part of the culture of your intimacy.

Your Power Lies in Your Voice

If no one ever told you this, hear it from me now: You are not too much. You are not too sensitive.
And you absolutely deserve a play dynamic where you feel free to speak, stop, and shift at any point. Your safe word is a living proof of that truth.

So say it, feel it, own it. The most magnetic scenes I’ve ever witnessed weren’t the ones that ran perfectly—they were the ones where trust pulsed louder than the music, and someone dared to say: “I need a moment.”

And that moment… changed everything.

xoxo MissV.
Your safe word is your shield—and I hope you wear it proudly.